Monday, 4 March 2024 ------------------------ I forgot to update yesterday, I mixed it up a bit and switched on the light in the kitchen instead of my room. Probably a good idea to remember to not leave any knives out in the kitchen before bed, just to be safe. Today no light were on when I woke up. Thinking about how our brain regulates heart rate, predicts and simulate the feeling of the heart beating, made me think of a time I felt as if I was going to have a heart attack, laying still in my bed. For a short period, I was experimenting with lucid dreaming. I didn't continue long because it impacts sleep quality but fun experience to play with dreams (mostly). Like have you ever tried looking in a mirror in a dream? You won't see yourself but someone else... Anyway, while going from awake to asleep, the stage between, while conscious, there is a time where it feels like you heart starts racing but from what I remember it was only simulated, but it still scared me enough to stop and the racing stopped immediately. So I have never entered sleep and dream state consciously directly from going to bed. The best way I've found myself to trigger becoming conscious in a dream is to wake up from a dream within the dream. I think it's because that moment is where we are more alert to question whether we're dreaming. Though I've never been conscious for more than a minute or so before I get too overwhelmed or excited and wake myself up. About feelings and judgment being intertwined and not separate, it makes me think of the quote "Be fearful when others greedy and greedy when others are fearful" which tells the story of how markets are driven by feelings too. But also it should remind of us to have compassion for those that fall for scams, and not just ridicule them. I watched an episode of John Oliver about 'pig butchering scam' and it is a truly horrifying thing. It makes me think we must have some vigilance in the real world, especially to protect those who are suffering the most. To protect social harmony, humans greatest strength, against those clouded in confusion, acting as a virus or parasite. Though this is a delicate matter, before you know it, you're the one doing crimes against humanity. About vigilance, it makes me think of the paradox, that in practice, to seek tolerance, you must be intolerant of intolerance. In the same way I think you have to think about compassion and kindness. I don't think you have to look at an idea like loving kindness from a subjective human view as something to strive for due to some beauty attached to it. But to think about it as a strategy to create social cohesion and collaboration of humanity. Humans are the ultimate "apex predators" of this planet. Other humans are our biggest threat. Arguably building the strongest social foundation is one of the most important things to ensure human survival and flourishment. On a strong social foundation, issues facing humanity can be tackled more efficiently, as conflict and misguidance can be reduced. I wish to educate myself in more formal thinking, like math, logic, systems. I think it could be fun to explore with that. Like how does loving kindness relate to more formal models like game theory? It could help to ground things, find more formal definitions, so it doesn't get too cloudy. I think I'm going to mainly do this because it is fun and to avoid dissapointment by the limitations of ones thinking. I think that's why I really enjoy this way of writing. It reminds me that it's the journey that is the enjoyment. When I used to read things like that, I'd always find it corny and a cliche. But there is a reason for that, because a lot of people end up with that conclusion in various ways. But because of how the brain improves prediction, maybe personal experience must be had to truly understand it. I know for myself that when I felt I hadn't accomplished much, I was deluded by the end goal, even more as my goal was misguided. I'm grateful for the fortune of reaching some goal early and finding out how utterly miserable you become when you realise you're still the same except your idea of normal has just shifted. So happy I caught onto that as it is easy to insist on going further, and the more misguided the direction, the more destructive it can become. Throughout my childhood and now my early adulthood, it has been easy for me to find it frustrating that I had seemingly been given a difficult hand of cards to play with. Why can't I just play with the rest as a kid and as an adult? Why can't I live life instead of think about life? But that has given me opportunities to grow in other ways. And while most of my life has been driven by fear and inauthenticity, I've been so lucky to have people in my life to show me the power of love, that one is a human, and humans transcend the rawness of reality by social connection. Just as we gathered around fire in our past, to seek refuge from a harsh reality, sharing stories and bonding. Today, we must keep finding ways to gather, to not lose sight of each other, in an evermore confusing reality.