Friday, 8 March 2024 ------------------------ In appendix D, they mention the 'default mode network' (DMN). An intrinsic (ongoing) part of the brain, at the top of the top-down view of concepts / predictions. It is speculated a function of DMN is to be an 'experience simulator', the ability for us to simulate the world differently as it is now, as well as in the past, and in the future. What you may associate daydreaming and thinking about life with. This made me wonder if it could potentially have answers to a question I wrote in a previous writing: "Why can't I live life instead of think about life?" From what I have read in the book, with supplemental information from elsewhere, the activity in DMN has a relationship with the 'task-active network' (TAN), a part of the brain that is related to being engaged in attention-demanding tasks. The relationship being that as activity increases in the TAN, activity in the DMN decreases. A phrase that nicely explains this in practice is "losing one's self in the work". From what I can understand, a theory is that with levels of ADHD, the decrease in DMT is inhibited to varying degree, as activity in the TAN increases, meaning as you engage in an attention demanding task, you'll be more prone than the average to distractions of the functions of the DMT. I think this could be a general tendency in terms of how stimulating and attention demanding a person finds a task, but with ADHD, tasks are usually less stimulating, but this is just my speculation. Personally, If i engage in a sport that is stimulating and is attention demanding like badminton, I experience a flow state without stimulants, but a mainly stimulating activity like running, with stimulants or not, that doesn't require much attention, I find myself in constant thoughts. If I read a book that is attention demanding, but low stimulation, I can read a page or two and then realise I'm in a thought elsewhere over and over, but with stimulants I experience more flow state while reading a book. On this note, if one is in a dynamic, chaotic environment where continuous exploration of low-hanging fruits is advantageous, then ADHD can be very beneficial (if one is also highly goal driven, the more existential to your survival the better, and with zero emotional attachment and pride to your work, you're quite unstoppable). That is one of the reasons I thrived running Minecraft servers and left academics behind me. But in the end, I now prefer taking stimulants, more peace of mind, engaging in less conflict and confusion, ultimately finding more depth and meaning in life. Back to DMN, I also understood that it is active during emotional processing. I think this is in line with negative and anxious thoughts. I don't know the exact dynamic, if it's because you're confused and conflicted, that DMT remains active, decreasing your ability to engage attentively, or that with ADHD, you are much more impacted if you live confused and conflicted, as it's harder to disengage or distance from it in daily life. From my experience, as seen in my previous writing, as I become less confused and conflicted, I'm still very prone to be distracted, but with positive thoughts. For me, this difference has been life changing, and is why I've become more invested and protective of my peace. I no longer feel a need to distract myself with intense stimulation (like running for too long, overeating savoury foods, or watching pornography). It doesn't even cross my mind anymore to do these things. I can do things in a much more healthy moderation without strict rules of abstinence that always lead to shame and conflict. Because I do things now because I find joy in them not out of desperation. Thank god I never stumbled into any drugs. I have always been scared of my health. I've never taken a pill for a headache. My first pill for pain relief (OTC) was when I was 17, with inflammation in my shoulder, but group assignment was due. And thankfully, I've always found alcohol uneasy. I find the experience deeply unsettling, as if you're losing touch with your body, and eventually throwing up. I find a sharp and bright mind naturally attractive. However, good luck having a social life as a young person in Denmark without alcohol, haha. I'm telling this in part because I want to emphasise that taking stimulant medication was not for a minor inconvenience or lack of discipline. Not to be dramatic, but I tortured myself to keep up with school, developed unhealthy traits, and ultimately gave up on my academic dreams. It pains me when I see ignorant discourse on the matter of stimulants, especially when spoken by figures of authority. I didn't even consider ADHD at the time due to voices like this. However, I must say my experience with psychiatrists has generally been disappointing, and I don't think it is right to simply give the medication without giving the patient deeper insight to how to best benefit from it, and how it may affect you. Perhaps they trusted that I was thoughtful and careful, but I'd done things very differently if I had the understanding I have now. It is very dangerous to take stimulants if you don't know how they can alter your thinking, especially the longer you've lived without it. You suddenly gain new abilities, but if you don't know how to use them, you can end up putting yourself in a worse situation. But back to DMN, whether you have ADHD or not, resolving confusion and conflict in your mind is a must. Things like exercise and meditation is important, but doing that alone without reevaluating and changing your environment (to the extent afforded to you) is fruitless. To do this properly, it is extremely important to find the root driving force of your decisions and whether they will serve you to be less confused, less conflicted, and find life meaningful. Am I doing this because I want people to view me favourable? Am I enjoying the journey or do I think I'll be happy once I reach my goal? Why am I ashamed that I'm a virgin? Any desire or shame you find driven by fear. It can be very uncomfortable to be honest with yourself. You might find you have work to do to realign your perception of the world. With the issues I was dealing with, I had a lot of improvement with conscious effort of practicing loving kindness. On that note, I think you should practice whatever, the way you find works best for you, and don't give up just because one way didn't work, but also be patient and enjoy the journey of it. It can of course be helpful to find things to get you started. For me the usual loving kindness meditations and sayings you find online weren't optimal for me, I had to make them fit me in a way they could better resonate with me. And I like to practice it throughout my daily life, especially as my environment challenges me, and not just in a specific setting. When you keep failing at "fixing yourself", instead of trying the same thing again and again, slowly depleting your hope and will to live, failure by failure. It is time to investigate whether you're misguided and perhaps try change your path completely even if it can be scary to leave behind what you know. This is a much more complicated matter of course, and highly varies by person to person. I would not have been able to help myself if I was emotionally clouded, feeling sorry for myself. But for the love of god, please don't feel bad about feeling sorry for yourself, or listen to people that tell you to "cheer up others have it worse", or you may get stuck in the darkness that blinds you by small bits of solace where others failed to just embrace you and acknowledge your feelings. I think it's very important to understand you can't simply tell yourself to not feel sorry for yourself. I'm not sure what the best way of shifting your emotions are while in this state, but I think you have to be very protective of yourself, not fall into shame or guilt as you try to remove the elements in your life that may keep you in this state. As you become less confused, conflicted, with a stronger foundation, you become better at finding a healthy balance that works for you and your surroundings. In the end, it is about wanting the best for everyone, in that if things aren't meant to be, don't force it. Value authenticity, I think people underrate its power to make life much easier. To end this, I want to share a phrase I really like, that goes something like: "The goal is not to find the meaning of life, but to make the question irrelevant in the first place."