Friday, 15 March 2024
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I take stimulant medication once a day in the morning. Before I used to take it two times a day to cover the whole day. Without a second dose, the effect has mostly worn off by 2 pm. It’s a bit funny because you don’t really notice it other than you seem to get more distracted. If you have work to do, this can be frustrating. I have noticed a distinct difference between unable to work because of being inattentive and depleted of energy. But I don’t mind it. I’m not chasing a goal anymore. Because of that I can find more joy and contentment with my inattentive nature, that with proper guidance can be useful to discover new things.

l like to go for a walk in the dark before bedtime, usually for an hour or so. It’s a time where I feel content with everything, regardless of the weather. I feel free, at peace, and can’t stop smiling. It’s as if you have an infinite pool of joy. That’s how it really feels, as the joy is not from some particular thing that has happened in my life, like making a friend or enjoying a good meal. It’s just there, always, endless, no matter the experiences in the moment. Now that’s quite a different experience than what I’m used to during that time of the day. At my lowest, I had moments of losing control of my composure when I was alone, like breaking a mirror, cutting my hands badly, getting small glass shards everywhere in my hands. I’m usually gentle and composed so this was concerning to me at the time.

Yesterday, on my evening walk, it was cold, windy, rainy, and I had a bloated stomach aching, yet I was still happy, smiling. I love sharing this because I’ve been so sceptical of ever finding contentment in life as I write about in my first and second writing. If life happens and I lose this peace, then at least I know where to look for it. To simply have experienced it, I think changes your perspective forever.

In the last couple of days my life has had a feeling of lightness to it. Free from a story or narrative, controlling my life. I had moments where I started to lose interest in past memories, they felt insignificant, silly to invest in.

I was disappointed with my story, its confusing plot, conflicting narratives, and the loose ends everywhere. Tired of playing along for too long, I dropped my script and left the stage. Beyond the curtain, away from the spotlight, the narrator’s dialogue faded out, until there was nothing. No somebody somewhere sometime. Just free to be nothing.

At the height of this freedom, during one of my last walks, I seemed to lose all my fear of death. I was content to die in that moment. Not because I felt free from life, but because I was at peace with it. A moment where my mind was clear of confusion and conflict. I don’t have this absolute peace in my daily life, but I’ve gotten a taste of it, and I still feel happy most of the time. The last time I felt a struggle with anxiety was on my second day of writing. This alone is a miracle for me. Though, I’ve had short moments where I fall into negative thoughts, like frustrated with how I look, or my inability to trust and feel in love romantically. But I quickly come out of it, but not by suppressing it, but by embracing it with compassion and an understanding that I’m a human. I also feel blessed that I can be content by myself. That I have the privilege to not have to worry about food, shelter or safety. That I have the privilege to be the architect of my reality. To be able to reject confusing realities. This is a great fortune I cherish, and I believe, along the way, my fear of losing peace will fade along my confusion.