Thursday, 21 March 2024 ------------------------ Hello. I'm good but tired. Sleep is important. I wrote in previous writing that lack of sleep affected my ability to do conscious effort. I built a good routine since starting this writing. Everyday was good. What if I purposely messed it up for fun? I believed that my mind had gotten less confused so it wouldn't be dangerous. I woke up at 4 AM on Tuesday and went to bed at 8 PM on Wednesday. Let's (apparently let's is short for let us) see, 24 - 4 is 20. 24 - 20 is 4. 24 - 4 is 20. 20 + 20 is 40. So I was awake for 40 hours. I have experienced good and bad things of being tired. Well mostly bad. The good thing is a sense of relaxation, kind of. You don't think, you can't think. When I took stimulants yesterday without sleep it made me less sleepy. When I took stimulants today with sleep (still underfunded) it made me more sleepy. Funny. I think if you are tired, you should avoid stimulants probably as you are then over depleting. You should only take stimulants if you have a lot of energy but your brain is still very picky on what it wants to do with it. Anyway, bad things with tiredness. You can't do stuff. I don't feel bad though. I think you're more affected by your environment when tired, external and internal. As both are good for me at the moment I feel okay. How long will it take for me to recover? Not sure. I think I will not be afraid of being tired but I won't unnecessarily make myself tired. I don't think there's any alternative to not sleeping. It's the same as I talked about oxygen yesterday. I guess it's about being practical and figure out what balance you will make with dependency on things. What is hard limits and what is a soft limits. I guess you can be motivated by fear when you try to be free from all dependencies. Likewise protecting yourself doesn't have to stem from fear. You just have to be clear on why you're doing something. At the ultimate level, why am I alive instead of dead? I do a lot of work everyday to keep myself alive so I must value being alive. For me right now it's that I can be curious about stuff and the future of humanity on earth. Will I ever be in a state where something overshadows my curiosity? Maybe if I get dementia. If my brain can't learn or make sense. That means I'm dependent on a functioning brain to want to be alive. Is curiosity unnecessary? Just good with being alive? I am doubtful because why do effort just to be alive? Is there something in between simply being alive and having a brain that is able to learn I'm missing? Right now I feel curiosity is the strongest building material for the bottom layer of your practical life model. I don't think I've ever completely lost my curiosity. Yes, the more struggles you face can reduce it but I think you can nearly be curious about anything. Instead of being annoyed that I am unable to be productive from my loss of sleep, I find things to be curious about in that state. Before I had relied on hope for some kind of success in the future for money and social connections. Practically, you have to think about money. I'd say be sure of why you want money. You don't need that much money unless you want to fit in or attach it to self worth. That's usually why people that make a lot of money don't necessarily get more freedom because it comes with a lifestyle cost to fit in. I'd argue many become stuck in positions of power or golden handcuffs, having less freedom than most. To break from that is painful. I have a lot more to think and say about money because it can be complicated and easily get one confused. The second one was social connections as in fitting in somehow. This doesn't really work that well for me, and it's basing too much on fortune. My hope for these things did get me through a lot but put me in a dangerous spot as the hope drained out. Will my curiosity ever be lost? Who knows but I can't really think of anything better. Will curiosity be enough? I think so for myself at least. But if you value something you can't just switch. Your brain has been wired for long to value something, all the years. Everything around you will influence what you value. So changing values is not a simple matter and if done incorrectly can put one at greater risk. Must consider how it can work in practice. My hope was for wrong stuff but hope can still be used when life becomes hard.