Sunday, 7 April 2024 ------------------------ Hello. All is well. In chapter 10, we discuss pragmatics, looking at the context of language use. Deixis are placeholders for person (me, you), location (here, there) and time (now, then). Inference is when reader or listener uses existing information to infer meaning from word, e.g. creator's name is used to refer to creators work (we saw Shakespeare yesterday). Anaphora is when you refer back to noun phrase with pronoun, like "The duck passes the lemonade stand. It's looking for grapes." Presupposition is when we assume something to be true or known by the reader or listener, e.g. mentioning a person we assume they know. Pragmatic markers are words we use to convey attitude to what's being said, e.g. know, mean, but also specify if we're providing information or commentary, shifting between the two by words like 'well'. Speech act is whether it's a question, command, or statement. They can be indirect, like framing a command as a question, e.g. "can you close the window?". Chapter four in the secondary book focuses on sensory sensitivity and processing issues. I relate to a lot in this chapter. I thought all my senses were highly sensitive, but now I realize it's primarily three senses I struggle with. Sound, smell, and touch. I think my brain is okay at predicting movement. I don't struggle in non-physical sports. I did Kyokushin for a few years. I like katas, but I inevitably quit as I don't like fighting. I can't find balance in that, either I'm too defensive or too aggressive. I've spent a lot of time perfecting my temperament, but once I switch to survival mode, I lose control. I've never hurt anyone physically since I lost control and threw a wooden spear at my older brother, hitting him in the foot. In my defense, he didn't wait for me to get down from the tree house. I still remember him running up the hill to our home with the spear stuck in his foot. My bad. In a recent entry, I wrote I may only have conscious empathy. I think this mainly applies to abstract social constructions. More physical, primitive expressions I sometimes experience intensely on an instant, instinctual level. In person, moments where a family member expresses mild pain, I sometimes instinctively sense a stinging, electrical sensation throughout my body. One of the most draining aspects for me socially is my high concern for how people around me feel. I remember when I was a child, I'd constantly ask my mom or dad if they're happy or make some contact, either by random noises or physical touch to gauge mood from their response. I could not feel at ease if they were not at ease. I learned to desensitize from my own feelings throughout my childhood. I think that's why I quickly found peace after I left everything behind as I started writing. I keep distance from my family members because I experience an intense concern for their wellbeing when in contact, and I don't have the energy anymore to keep up with it. It's paradoxical, I care so much I can't care. I don't feel my own pain, but I feel the pain of others, hence why I prefer solitude, as I feel I can't bear the pain of others anymore. I'm unsure to what extent I can resolve this at the moment other than excluding others' from my environment. It seems to be easier for me perceptually when I'm less attached to people, but once I become detached from someone, they become more like a stranger to me. Tricky situation. In the book, we hear from autistic people expressing they experience themselves as two parts. A thinking self and an acting self. Now isn't that interesting. It's similar to my description of my intuitive animalistic side, and my intellectual human side. What I mean specifically with animalistic is that my intuitive perception can't properly conceptualize reality. My brain has to make sense of stimuli with less intuition. Therefore, my intuitive predictions are more primitive. If my brain receives too much input at once, it's unable to process for prediction, resulting in nonsensical simulation, causing a meltdown. Outwards, as the acting self, this manifests as becoming non-responsive, or acting violently, unpredictably as the acting self has to act on the nonsensical, scattered, raw simulation of reality. Inwards, as the thinking self, it's experienced overwhelming in both scenarios. This is my experience except my acting self always turned non-responsive in public. Most of my time in school was a living nightmare, but outwards you'd see my acting self. Shy, busy, awkward, sleepy, smiling. A high functioning meltdown, heh. Interestingly, I think this painful overwhelm can also be experienced when the brain fails to regulate, stuck at high-level conceptualization, the experience of depression. I think this is what I experience today if something triggers my fight or flight response. I've read something about this shutting off our ability to think. Perhaps real-time prediction resolving is reduced? I assume this is an expensive process. Or perhaps it skips high-level prediction and simulations, hence why we feel less in control as the feeling of agency in consciousness is usually us experiencing the simulation of high-level predictions. Ah, perhaps with non-responsive behavior, the brain is stuck at high-level construction, hence dissociation from reality, while tantrum behavior, the brain is stuck at low-level construction, making primitive, fast and volatile predictions. About experience, I guess with autism the brain is unable to conceptualize different senses together in useful patterns because hubs in the brain that synchronize senses are less functional or nonfunctional. Perhaps your brain makes use of more single-sense patterns. Hmm, as your brain can't efficiently synchronize senses in real-time, instead of making predictions resolving for low-level predictions, your brain spends more time on prediction resolving high-level? Are thoughts and memories a representation of high-level experience? I have very good visual memory of my past I think. Many say life is short but my experience has been the opposite. I'm not too old, and I feel like It's been forever, haha. I have a vast archive of memories of my past. Perhaps because my brain overcompensates with long-term, intrinsic asymmetric prediction tuning, it stores more of my experience as abstract memories instead of intuitive experience? I imagine the reason we feel time is faster when we're older is because our brain stops resolving or fine-tuning predictions? The world is perceived more intuitively, we stop fine-tuning our perception. Perhaps intuition (acting self) is more hard-wired while intellect (thinking self) is more plastic. In our very complex society today, there may some advantages to having a brain that overcompensates using intellect over intuition if it's not too debilitating, but it's more complicated than this. If I can make practical life functional, I find myself fortunate. I think that's why I don't mind living with only bare necessities because I find much joy in my inner self, feeding it with blogs, books and movies. When I'm outside, I like to run or go for walks in solitude. Of course, I find a lot of joy in social activities, the short moments I've felt accepted and normal in a social setting has been heavenly experiences, and it's ironic as I write about the value and importance of socializing while talking of solitude for myself. But that's because I have to work with what I have. I have to take some time to understand what I'm dealing with before I find a way to contribute to society.